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The University of Violence

posted May 28, 2016, 6:27 AM by Viktor Zólyomi   [ updated May 28, 2016, 6:27 AM ]
The following article by Jonathan Parker was originally published in the Con City Times.

A brand new self defense course at the University of Con City is raising the eyebrows of concerned parents all over the county. The BFA, short for Brute Force Academy, is offering students at the University a crash course in self defense with tools such as knives, high caliber armor piercing bullets, and over the shoulder rocket launchers.

"This is how Brutus Force would do it," explains Jamie Ace, founder of the Brute Force Academy. "I have seen too many innocent people suffer at the hands of petty criminals. After my the latest movie, I thought to myself, it's completely unfair that only I should know all these nifty tricks of survival in the urban jungle. I owe it my fans, and to all humanity, to teach everyone how it's done."

Jamie Ace, better known as "the guy who play Brutus Force in the Bombs, Bullets, And Babes movies", or as "the man of a thousand identical facial expressions", is an accomplished martial arts expert outside of the silver screen. He believes that the combination of his fighting skills and the countless hours of shooting guns on the movie sets makes him the perfect man for training university students how to defend themselves. Many question his suitability for the job due to his lack of teaching credentials. Ace himself disagrees, and considers his celebrity status the most important of the credentials he does possess.

"See, these boys and girls look up to me," he elaborates. "Would they attend a self defense course run by Joe Schmoe? Of course not. But would they sign up to train with Brutus Force? Hell yeah they would!"

Attendance records show that his logic may not be flawed, as five hundred students signed up for the course in the first week, ninety percent of which returned to continue the course in the second week, and a further three hundred new students signed up by then to swell the ranks. The students seem to be very satisfied with the tutelage of Jamie Ace.

"We get to blow shit up with bazookas and rip dummies to shreds with fully automatics," reports Andy Crawford, a computer science student at the University. "It's both useful and fun! I can't wait until we get to use drone mounted turrets!"

While the BFA's self defense course may seem out of place at an institution of higher education, the Brute Force Academy in fact received funding from the Rector himself. His decision came after a recent incident on the University Campus that resulted in numerous casualties, many of the victims torn apart by machine gun fire, some blown to bits by explosives, and one man reportedly falling to his death from a helicopter. While none of the deceased were students or employees of the University, the Rector believes it was time to do something about campus safety.

"I will not have the intellectual elite live in fear," Rector Brenner states. "Mister Ace is a godsend, and I am happy to have him on board. The next time some illiterate thugs invade the campus and have a shootout with Con City's finest, our students will be perfectly equipped to protect themselves."

Critics of the new course have taken to referring to the University of Con City as the University of Violence. Members of the police department on the other hand have expressed their firm support.

"I think it's a fine start," says Sergeant Jack Westwood about the initiative. "If everyone was trained in the use of high caliber firearms, the citizens of Con City could clean up the streets in no time."

Long time rival institution, Greenwell University, is keeping a close eye on the new course. Not to be left behind, Greenwell's intellectual center is already considering one-upping the University of Con City.

"We're negotiating with Russel Hunt, the actor who plays Merlin in Terrence Blunt's Round Table movies," the Rector of Greenwell University boldly proclaims. "That guy farts nukes and belches napalm. Who needs guns and knives when we have a guy that can teach our students how to incinerate petty thugs with but a thought?"

Jamie Ace is not worried about the competition. Rather, he wishes the very best for his Hollywood colleague.

"Good luck, Russel. I hope you can draw a big enough crowd for your course. I'd love to arrange for a friendly sparring match between my students and yours."