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Terrence Blunt vs King Arthur

posted Feb 20, 2015, 12:05 PM by Viktor Zólyomi   [ updated Feb 20, 2015, 12:05 PM ]
The following article was penned by Jonathan Parker and was originally published in the Con City Cinema Magazine.

With the recent release of the five-disc special edition blu-ray of the Round Table franchise, series creator and controversial self-proclaimed action film god Terrence Blunt has every reason to be happy. His critics on the other hand are anything but. The Round Table films are universally hated by film critics all over the world, yet the series lives on due to its increasingly stellar performance at the box office. For those of you who by some miracle have never heard of this franchise, Round Table is a satirical retelling of the King Arthur legend that, according to critics, violates every aspect of the source material, yet proves to be wildly popular and shows no signs of ending even after five movies. Terrence Blunt was kind enough to answer a few questions about this milestone and the future of his franchise.

JP: Mister Blunt, how does it feel to be simultaneously the most loved and most hated film producer in the world?

Terrence Blunt: Feels good, actually. Reaction, good or bad, is the measure of the impact we make on the film industry. Rick and I are arguably the biggest sharks in Hollywood today. Audiences love us, critics hate us, it's perfect. I now have five films that have each grossed over one billion worldwide. Not bad for a kid from Con County.

By Rick you must of course refer to Rick Jackson. Isn't he your arch rival? Most people are under the impression that you and him are not on the best of terms.

Terrence Blunt:
Oh, we hate each other's guts, no mistake there. That said, Rick Jackson needs Terrence Blunt just as much as Terrence Blunt needs Rick Jackson. We inspire each other, we bring the best out of each other. We force each other to create an even bigger blockbuster than the last one with each film we make.

JP: Yet somehow Mister Jackson manages to please critics much more than your movies do. Critics universally despise the Round Table franchise. How do you feel about that?

Terrence Blunt:
I don't really care. Critics do not understand my art, and they can kiss my billion dollar grossing ass. Next question.

JP: Let's discuss the Round Table movies. The first film in the franchise saw the castle of Camelot crumble to dust in the wake of a nuclear explosion. It is an iconic sequence that at one time was a meme on video hosting sites. How did you come up with the concept? Not even gun powder existed in the time of King Arthur, let alone nuclear bombs.

Terrence Blunt:
Well, Merlin's a wizard, right? So, it doesn't matter when gun powder and nukes were invented. A wizard can nuke anything with his mind. Which is why I created Merlin's rival and had him blow up Camelot. I thought it would be memorable, and time proved me right. That's why we nuke Camelot in every Round Table movie.

JP: This brings us to my next question. Your critics often complain about the lack of originality in the series as a whole. Their view is that every installment in the franchise is exactly the same. Do you agree with that?

Terrence Blunt:
No. Each installment in the franchise is different. There are different actors in each, they were all filmed at a different location, and, each sequel has a different number at the end of its title. How could they all be the same?

JP: The argument your critics use is that your films follow the same formula.

Terrence Blunt: Of course they follow the same formula. My films rely on the most important elements of success that are key to survival in Hollywood today. It's a formula that says every medieval action movie should feature, in abundance: scantily clad women, juvenile humor, toilet jokes, fast horses, half-naked people on fast horses, people getting impaled on lances, wizard sex, dragons, epic battles on fields, shaky-cam, beheadings, and explosions. Most of all that. Explosions.

JP: So you're saying that your reliance on the aforementioned elements is intentional?

Terrence Blunt: Yes.

JP: Critics have serious issues with your use of several of these elements. In particular they complain that your films are overly sexist. Care to comment on that?

Terrence Blunt: Sure. When I hire actresses, I strictly forbid no-nudity clauses. Much of our audience are adolescent teenage boys. Exposed breasts draw them into the theaters. It's one of the most important elements of my success.

JP: Your critics find this insulting to women, saying that it degrades them into set decorations. Some critics insist that there should be the same amount of male and female nudity in your films. Why isn't it so?

Terrence Blunt: Because no one wants to see King Arthur's dick. Or worse, Merlin's dick. Do you want to see it? No, of course you don't. Next question.

JP: Moving on to the fans of your franchise, they are among the most loyal followers a film producer could ask for. Reports say that over a million copies of your new Round Table box set were sold in the span of a week. What do you think is the reason your fans are so loyal to you?

Terrence Blunt: The answer lies in their IQ. Fans of my movies possess an intelligence that film critics unfortunately lack. They understand my art and crave it with such passion they refuse to pirate my movies. Besides, we have so many extras in the box set it's a bargain no one can refuse.

JP: Can you summarize exactly what's in the box set?

Terrence Blunt: Of course. All five entries in the Round Table franchise, making-of documentaries and other behind the scenes footage, interviews with the cast, and a life size poster of every lead actress in the franchise, in lingerie. I like to reward my core fanbase.

JP: What's next for the Round Table franchise? Rumor has it the next installment is in pre-production.

Terrence Blunt: The rumors are true, Round Table 6 is on the way. I don't want to announce its subtitle just yet but it will be something people will pay attention to. Let's just say, that when the critics hear it, they will declare me the Antichrist.

JP: Any closing comments, Mister Blunt?

Terrence Blunt: Yes. I'd like to send a message to Rick Jackson. Hey Rick! Did you see the charts? I'm killing your ass as we speak! Did you really think you could compete with my Round Table box set with your lousy 2-disc blu-ray of Bombs, Bullets, and Babes 5? You owe me a dollar you dumb son of a bitch!