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Stolen One Word Poems

posted Apr 9, 2016, 3:57 AM by Viktor Zólyomi   [ updated Apr 9, 2016, 4:03 AM ]
The following article was penned by Jonathan Parker and was originally published in the Greenwell Inquirer.

The intellectuals of Greenwell are seething with outrage following a break-in at the Greenwell Museum. Part of the outrage is fueled by the method of forced entry: the thief made his way into the museum not by picking locks but by breaking down the back wall with a bulldozer stolen from a nearby construction site.

"It's absolutely despicable," said Lawrence Curtis, the Curator of Greenwell Museum. "To have such a filthy machine within the very walls of this fine establishment is an insult to culture itself."

The bigger reason for the outrage is that the only items that were stolen are the most prized possessions of the museum, namely the original manuscripts of Greenwell's revolutionary 19th century poet, C. Thomas Whitaker (born John Brooks). Poets and literary critics all over Con County stand baffled and furious over the theft, not willing to believe that anyone would dare to lay a finger on the manuscripts.

"He was one of the great innovators," said Howard Pretentious, esteemed literary critic, poet, and Editor-in-Chief of the Con City Times. "He gave the world the famous One Word Poems. Had it not been for him, we would not have such fantastic masterpieces such as his debut poem This or its sequel That, let alone his epic magnum opus, the trilogy of the poems Here, There and Everywhere. Shame on the villain who would dare to take such holy relics from the world!"

Greenwell Police forces stand baffled before the theft. While security cameras have caught good footage of the thief, who appears to be a man of average build, his face is unrecognizable due to the hoodie over his head and the thick scarf covering his face. He also left no fingerprints behind, as he was wearing garden gloves.

"We have no idea why anyone would take those scraps of old papers," said Detective Eve Rhodes about the case. "They're barely even legible now. It's not like old Johnny wrote them with a mind for the historians."

The Curator of Greenwell Museum is none too thrilled with the status of the investigation, or the enthusiasm of Detective Rhodes.

"I bet she cares more about the bulldozer than the manuscripts," Lawrence Curtis said. "We should hire a private detective, if only we could afford it. Perhaps we can count on all the decent people out there who love the One Word Poems. So please, if anyone finds this despicable goon, wrest the sacred manuscripts from his cold dead hands!"

The only person who seems to have at least some idea what the thief's motivation might have been is Howard Pretentious, albeit his theory is nothing more than wild guessing at this point.

"In his waning years, C. Thomas Whitaker (born John Brooks) wrote especially innovative One Word Poems by inventing his own words," he explained. "One of these is Frequencymoratorium, a true classic that was far ahead of its time. Now, there is a film producer in Hollywood, Terrence Blunt, a real hack, with zero artistic sense and even less respect for literature. He's been meaning to adapt Frequencymoratorium into a movie for years, and for some reason he insists on having the original manuscript appear in the movie. The museum would of course never allow it, but if it were stolen? Huge change to the landscape, to say the least. Now, I'm not saying Terrence Blunt stole the manuscripts, but whoever did, may well be trying to sell it to him as we speak."

Terrence Blunt, known to many as the man who butchered the legacy of King Arthur in his Round Table movies, refused to comment the speculations of Howard Pretentious. The town of Desert Rock on the other hand, the birthplace of Terrence Blunt, has lit up in celebration of their anticipation of a whole new franchise of Terrence Blunt action films. Police sources believe that if the thief had not been intent on selling the manuscripts to Terrence Blunt, by now he most certainly is.

"Except of course if the guy was just a failed poet or a critic who hated Johnny Brooks," Detective Rhodes considered. "He might have already burned the manuscripts if that's the case. He must be regretting it by now if he knows about the Blunt movie."

Curator Lawrence Curtis, upon hearing the comments of Detective Rhodes entertaining the thought of the manuscripts' destruction, suffered a heart attack and was subsequently taken to Greenwell General Hospital where he is currently at the Intensive Care. The investigation continues as all fans of the One Word Poems eagerly await news of the manuscripts turning up somewhere.