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Psycho Cyclists

posted Jul 9, 2016, 9:24 AM by Viktor Zólyomi   [ updated Jul 9, 2016, 9:24 AM ]
The following article by Jonathan Parker was originally published in the Con City Times.

Tensions are running high in Greenwell, Con County, as cyclists have been running wild on the sidewalks for nearly a month. With over two hundred people admitted to Greenwell General Hospital with injuries ranging from minor bruises to broken bones, fractured skulls, and concussions, victims have been demanding for over two weeks that police take action against the cyclists.

`Those psychopaths are running us into the concrete,' said Marianne Winston, a senior who suffered two broken ribs after being hit by a cyclist on her way home from the supermarket. `Is this what Greenwell has turned into? It's bad enough to risk our lives when crossing the street but now we can't even tread on the sidewalks without having to fear for our lives. Somebody needs to stop these two-wheeled freaks!'

Greenwell Police are already on the case and have instructed their specialist task force, the Fragcamper Unit, to deal with the hit and run cyclists. Detective Eve Rhodes spoke to the press about the ongoing efforts of the task force.

`The Fragcamper Unit is looking into the solution of placing landmines in the path of the cyclists,' she explained. `Obviously this is just in the planning stage, as they need to ensure that the mines don't hurt any of the pedestrians, or the cyclists who obey the law. Such smart mines are in heavily experimental stage and the Police Department can't afford them, but the Fragcamper Unit is trying to get the initiative funded by donations from the hit and run victims. Until then, the plan is to position a sniper on the rooftop of the Town Hall to at least deal with the offenders in the middle of the city center. It's a start.'

The task force is also putting effort into trying to identify the offending cyclists. The investigation faces difficulties as the faces of the cyclists are obscured on CCTV footage due to the helmets they are wearing. Further hindering the investigation is the fact that no bicycles are equipped with license plates; in light of the serious injuries suffered by the scores of pedestrians run over by cyclists, the Chief of Police has suggested to city officials to equip all bicycles with license plates from now on. The Mayor has rejected the proposal, stating that "this is not Brickton," and denied that his decision was influenced by the fact that he is a cyclist himself.

Gloria Pine, host of Greenwell's most watched talk show The Pining Hour, has interviewed psychiatrist Sebastian Fink about the probable cause of what the public has come to call the Psycho Cyclist Phenomenon. `It is undoubtedly a form of post traumatic stress disorder,' Doctor Fink stated, and went on to explain that he bases his diagnosis on a matter of timing. `This phenomenon started a month ago, and I believe it is the direct consequence of the monster truck incident that I'm sure everyone remembers.'

The monster truck incident Doctor Fink refers to is of course the mass accident that took place at the annual Greenwell Cyclist Parade where a monster truck ran into the bicycle convoy. The truck had been on the way from Black Lake to a junk derby taking place at the Crash-o-ring in Con City, but took a wrong turn on the highway and ended up in Greenwell instead. Sixty-seven bicycles were crushed into scrap metal and their cyclists hospitalized with life threatening injuries. Doctor Fink believes that the monster truck incident was a traumatic experience for the hundreds of cyclists who attended the Parade, and is therefore a highly probable cause for their insistence to use the sidewalks instead of the inadequate cycle lanes on the roads.

The Chief of Police refused to acknowledge the connection between the two events and urged the specialist task force to put an end to the cyclist mayhem as soon as possible. `He is considering authorizing the use of traditional trip mines if we can't get funding for the smart mines,' said Detective Rhodes. `Obviously there will be collateral damage, which I would personally like to avoid. So please, send your donations to the Fragcamper Unit so we can deploy the experimental smart mines and avoid any needless loss of life.'