Shorts‎ > ‎Totally Authentic News‎ > ‎

Mining In Desert Rock

posted May 7, 2018, 3:54 PM by Viktor Zólyomi   [ updated May 7, 2018, 3:54 PM ]
The following article by Jonathan Parker was originally published in the Con City Times

The Hades Corporation, Desert Rock's premier electronics firm, caused quite a stir when they opened a new mine in the outskirts of town early last week. The mine was established over the site of the long abandoned gold mine of Desert Rock. Locals stood baffled before the company's decision to reopen the gold mine, which had closed down in 1821 after failing to produce even an ounce of gold during its fifteen years of operation. The tale of the ill-fated gold mining endeavor has long been taught in local schools as a cautionary tale, which led to local media outlets wondering why the Hades Corporation, a firm best known for its interactive urinals, would reopen the facility. Two days after the opening of the new mine, a local man added fuel to the fire in the form of an airborne mockery campaign.

Adam White, owner of the Soaring Skyrides sightseeing company, took to the air in his hot air balloon and hovered above town for several hours with a large banner hanging from the balloon with the words `Hades Corp digs gold' written on it and the image of a casket beneath. Locals recorded videos of Mister White's flight and took to social media to ridicule the Hades Corporation. The most watched video reached over four million views in the span of six hours and spawned a sea of comments including examples such as `they're only two centuries late to the gold rush,' `should have stuck to making nerdy urinals,' and `losers would find more gold in the CEO's mouth.' When interviewed by Desert Rock Radio the day after, Adam White revealed about his controversy-stirring banner ad that he had in fact been simply a messenger.

`I run a business, and business has been pretty bad lately,' he explained. `So when this guy came by and offered a sizable sum for flying over town with this banner of his, of course I accepted. And guess what? People are flocking to ride on my balloon now, and they're paying extra if I fly with the banner. Best business decision I ever made.'

As for the individual who hired him, Adam White refused to `rat out' this person. Two days later, he took to the sky once more with a new banner, this one bearing the logo of the Hades Corporation, and the words `we mine tantalum so you can mine ConCurrency on your phone.' On the same day, the Hades Corporation issued a press release in which they confirmed that they have signed Mister White to an exclusive contract to display banner ads for them in exchange for an undisclosed sum, and that they in fact reopened the old mine not to mine gold, but to mine tantalum.

`Tantalum is an essential metal for the design of cutting edge GPUs,' the press release states. `While gold indeed cannot be found anywhere near or below Desert Rock, deposits of tantalum are abundant, and we will use the new mine to acquire substantial amounts of this rare metal. The tantalum will be used in our upcoming new cellphones which will feature state-of-the-art GPU chips that will, for the first time ever in the history of cellular phones, enable users to mine ConCurrency on the go.'

ConCurrency is the most popular cryptocurrency in Con County, developed by ConSoft LLC, creators of the infamous strategy game Conspiracy: The Game, and more recently, the scandalous Koala Hunting: The Game. Mining of ConCurrency requires heavy computational capacity most often supplied by GPU chips, hence the ability to mine it on a cellphone in your pocket would be an easy way to make money for anyone who owns a phone.

The press release and the new banner ad had the desired effect. Within a day, social media was flooded by videos of Adam White's balloon displaying the Hades Corporation's advert, which accumulated comments such as `it all makes sense now,' `jackasses should have said so sooner,' and the occasional `wait fifteen years until we find out there was never any tantalum in the mine to begin with.'

Two days later the media craze surrounding the opening of the mine seemed to die down, yet the story took an unexpected turn. A man assaulted Adam White when he was about to take off with his balloon. During the brawl, the pair wound up in the passenger cabin of the balloon which took off with them, and when it reached about fifty feet in the air the assailant fell out of the balloon.

Adam White's attacker has since been identified as Malcolm Dallas, an engineer who was laid off by the Hades Corporation a year ago after the infamous Antistray 3000 debacle. He has not yet been interrogated since the fall confined him to a room at the local medical facility in a comatose state. Adam White refused to address his attacker and limited his comments regarding the incident, which is eerily similar to the time when he threw one of his unruly passengers overboard, to the words `get off my back, it was self defense.'

Local police have stated that they believe the matter is trivial, dismissing Malcolm Dallas as `a disgruntled jobless man who wanted revenge on his former employers and then took offense on Adam White making a deal with the Hades Corporation at his expense.'

In the three days passed since the incident between Malcolm Dallas and Adam White, social media almost completely forgot the new mine in Desert Rock, save for the heated discussion on tech forums about the feasibility of mining ConCurrency on a cellphone. An anonymous commenter under the pseudonym `SensibleTechie123' pointed out that mining any kind of cryptocurrency on a cellphone, no matter how modern the processing unit inside, would deplete the battery in half an hour. In response, the Hades Corporation issued a press release stating that they were `aware of the battery problem' and that they were `working on a solution.'