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Mayor Greekhorse And His New Taxes

posted Nov 7, 2014, 3:36 AM by Viktor Zólyomi   [ updated Nov 7, 2014, 3:39 AM ]
The Following interview was conducted by Jonathan Parker and was originally published in the Brickton Herald.

Elections are never a dull matter in the vocal community of Brickton, Con County. No other town in Con County can boast so many protests, riots, and lynchings in its history. This year's by-elections were expected to produce the same amount of excitement and Brickton did not disappoint: the town center literally erupted in flames when the new Mayor, Stanley Greekhorse took to the stage and announced his new agenda. The Mayor and his staff were successfully evacuated from the scene before the crowd could have given reason for a new by-election to follow the next day. Mayor Greekhorse was kind enough to sit down for an interview following his ordeal.

JP: Mayor Greekhorse, thank you for your time. Could you tell us in your words what happened last night?

Mayor Stanley Greekhorse: Certainly. It is my pleasure to engage the press. As for what happened? It was people being people, citizens being citizens. I see it as my first day on the job. Nothing to worry about.

JP: You seem remarkably unfazed by what you went through out there.

Mayor Stanley Greekhorse: I'll admit, it was a close call. If the evacuation hadn't been so swift the smoke might have done irrecoverable damage to my suit.

JP: Excuse me?

Mayor Stanley Greekhorse: This suit costs a fortune. Had it been exposed to all that smoke for too long it would have smelled like a barbecue. Can you imagine sitting at a meeting at the Town Hall in a suit that smells like smoked bacon?

JP: Surely the smoke was not your biggest worry out there, Mayor.

Mayor Stanley Greekhorse: Of course not. It was the eggs. Most definitely the eggs. Arson does not surprise me, the citizens of Brickton seem to enjoy setting things on fire. It has become a tradition over the years. But throwing eggs at people? Is there no depth to which they will not sink? Do they not realize how much it costs to get this suit cleaned?

JP: I see. Moving on, let's talk about your agenda. Arguably the announcements you made fueled the anger of the protesters. Why did you choose to make these announcements right away?

Mayor Stanley Greekhorse:
I made the announcements right away because I don't like to waste time. We knew something like this might happen. I did announce a whole new set of taxes after all. People don't like taxes, not even when they voted for them.

JP: Speaking of the new taxes, two questions immediately pop up. First, why would you raise taxes on your first day in the office, and second, why do you say the people voted for these taxes? Your campaign slogen was, quote, down with taxes, trust the Greekhorse. Can you elaborate on that?

Mayor Stanley Greekhorse:
Certainly. The new taxes had to be instated because the by-election will only keep me in office for a little over two years. In the last year of my reign I cannot raise taxes, otherwise no one will vote for me. On the other hand we need the tax income to fund my reelection campaign, hence we had to instate the new taxes as fast as possible. It's as simple as that. As to your second question, but of course the people voted for this. Perhaps they did not understand the subtext in my campaign, but that's no fault of mine. You see, I promised I would lower existing taxes, which I did. I never said I would not instate brand new taxes.

JP: Mayor Greekhorse, your critics are calling you a liar, arguing that the new taxes take more money out of people's pockets than the old ones did. Your critics say this contradicts your aforementioned campaign. Could you comment on that?

Mayor Stanley Greekhorse:
Critics will be critics, nothing can be done about that. They try to sound unbiased when in fact they're very clearly biased against me and my agenda. My election campaign clearly stated that I would reduce existing taxes, which I did, and it also stated that I would make the taxation system fair. That's why the new taxes are being introduced. Current taxes are unfair to the people governing this town because the overall tax is too small. If people want public services they have to pay the price. That's fair. Do you agree?

JP: I must remain impartial.

Mayor Stanley Greekhorse: Yes, but you do have an opinion, don't you?

JP: I do, but I cannot express it in the interview.

Mayor Stanley Greekhorse: I admire your professionalism. My staff could use people like you. Would you like a job?

JP: Let's go back to discussing the new taxes. You're instating a total of three new taxes on the people of Brickton. The first one, being instated next week, is called the Bandwidth Tax. What prompted you to put a tax on domestic internet bandwidth usage?

Mayor Stanley Greekhorse:
Money. What else? I need money for my reelection campaign. I already told you that.

JP: You did, but why tax internet usage? Why this specifically?

Mayor Stanley Greekhorse: Why not? No one has ever taxed the internet before, at least not in such an effective manner. Think about it. What do people use the internet for? Watching adult films. The internet was invented for sex, this is a fact. Now, if we put a tax on bandwidth usage, we get a great deal of money after each adult film someone watches online. The more people do this, the more money we get. The higher the video quality, the more money we get. When high definition digital video came about, everybody liked it for the improved quality it could provide. Now it's time the viewers paid the price of it.

JP: Are you not worried that the new tax, being local to Brickton, will spark mass exodus from the town?

Mayor Stanley Greekhorse: Not in the slightest. Besides, why would people move? For more competitive salaries? For a better economy? Who cares about such overrated concepts!

JP: The second new tax you are introducing is called the Oxygen Tax. Could you explain this one?

Mayor Stanley Greekhorse: The Oxygen Tax is about fairness. Deep sea divers purchase oxygen tanks for good money, and they pay taxes after those purchases. So why don't people pay tax after the oxygen they breathe on the surface? Why should divers be the only people paying to breathe?

How will the tax be calculated?

Mayor Stanley Greekhorse: Let me just consult my notes here. Yes, here it is. Oxygen consumption will be estimated based on the volume of the lungs of each individual. So everyone will need to undergo a lung volume measurement before this tax is instated next month.

JP: Measuring people's lung volume? Isn't that a bit excessive?

Mayor Stanley Greekhorse: I have a scientist on my staff who insists that this is necessary in order to make sure that everyone pays the right amount of tax. I fully trust his expertise.

JP: The last new tax you spoke of in your speech is called the Life Tax. Your critics are calling this the most controversial idea you've ever had. Can you tell us about it?

Mayor Stanley Greekhorse: Of course. The Life Tax is designed to solve numerous issues in one fell swoop. The fragility of the state pension system, the overpopulation of the county, the overburdened hospitals... all of this will be solved by taxing everyone's life at a flat rate of 25%. The way this works in practice is that we calculate exactly how long each individual would naturally live taking environmental and genetic factors into account. When they reach 75% of this expected lifespan, we kill them.

JP: Excuse me, did you say, kill them?

Mayor Stanley Greekhorse: I did. Oh, I'm sorry, my scientist prefers the term “mandatory eutanasia” but I like to call things what they are.

JP: Yes, you are remarkably honest about your policies.

Mayor Stanley Greekhorse: Why wouldn't I be? I already won the elections.

JP: Can you tell us how you plan on instating the Life Tax? No doubt there are numerous existing laws which will prohibit you from executing this policy.

Mayor Stanley Greekhorse: Law is not a problem. We will change every law we must to make sure everything goes the way I want it. The only practical hurdle in front of us is figuring out a way to reliably calculate how long people would live. We do not want to kill productive, tax paying citizens too soon. It would hurt the economy.

What about the 25% flat rate? How did you come up with the number?

Mayor Stanley Greekhorse: I did not, all the number crunching is done by my staff. I trust their expertise.

One final question, Mayor. How old are you?

Mayor Stanley Greekhorse: I'm afraid that is classified, but thank you for asking. Likewise, thank you for conducting the interview. As I said, I admire your professionalism. If you are interested in a job, do get in touch. I assure you, you would not regret working for me. Everyone on my staff enjoys benefits such as exemption from the new taxes.