Shorts‎ > ‎Totally Authentic News‎ > ‎

Martian Water, Earth Origin

posted Oct 2, 2015, 3:09 AM by Viktor Zólyomi   [ updated Oct 2, 2015, 3:09 AM ]
The following article was written by Jonathan Parker and was originally published in the Brickton Herald.

The groundbreaking discovery of signs of salt water on Mars has been called into question by an unemployed astronomer. According to the claims of Brickton resident Ned Wilson, while there is indeed water on Mars, the water's origin is not what researchers would have us believe.

"I know for a fact that the water is from a source external to Mars," he said, "because we took it there. I was part of the project. It's top secret so I shouldn't be telling you this, but I can't let the public be fooled."

According to Mister Wilson's claims, the water believed to be found on certain areas of Mars was in fact transported there by the Con City Space Agency over the past several decades, in an effort to terraform the Red Planet. "The Space Agency was founded specifically with the colonization of Mars in mind," Ned Wilson elaborated. "Of course they would want to terraform it with automated spacecraft before sending a manned expedition there."

The Director of the Con City Space Agency denied Mister Wilson's allegations, citing technical obstacles as proof. "We do not have a sufficiently large spaceship to transport nearly enough water to Mars," Professor Jared Burns stated. "I can tell you we have never even tried it, otherwise I would know about it. I can neither confirm nor deny that we even had plans to do such a thing in the future, though I am infinitely pleased that we no longer need to worry about it."

Regarding Ned Wilson's claim that he was part of the Mars terraforming project, Professor Burns said that "no one by this name has ever been employed by the Con City Space Agency, and after such allegations this will remain unchanged for the foreseeable future." The employment records of the Space Agency were not made available to the press to confirm the above statement due to the aforementioned records being classified for a hundred and fifty years.

Mister Wilson has since become unavailable for further comments. His car has been found in the alley behind his apartment block, completely burnt out, and Mister Wilson himself has gone missing. His apartment was found in a state of absolute mess by Brickton Police.

"No idea what happened," said Mrs. Marsh, Ned Wilson's next door neighbor regarding the ransacking of the apartment. "All I know is that Ned's a popular chap. Why, just after the cops left, a man came by asking for him. He was a very nice, charming man. He was one of those people who like to go for the all black look. You know, black suit, black turtleneck, black gloves, black sunglasses, all of that. Even his car was black. I hope he finds Ned. He seemed like a very nice person."

Although the allegations of Mister Wilson are unsubstantiated, the media coverage has prompted the Con City Space Agency to ask for an independent expert to provide an analysis of the water deposits on Mars.

"The idea that the human race took that water to Mars on spaceships is complete nonsense," said the independent expert, Professor van der Bishop, Head of Department at the Department of Bullshitology at the University of Con City. "The water is more likely to be a byproduct of ongoing experiments in my research group. We are building a teleportation device that can take us to other planets. So far we've only been able to teleport water, which is a fine start given that a large percentage of the human body is made of water, but we certainly have a lot more work ahead of us. Now, at least, we know where all the water we've been teleporting away has gone to."