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Kitchen Samurai Ghosts Versus Baseball Bat

posted Oct 18, 2015, 4:54 AM by Viktor Zólyomi   [ updated Oct 18, 2015, 4:56 AM ]
The following article was penned by Jonathan Parker and was originally published in the Greenwell Inquirer.

A man in Greenwell gave Halloween spirit a whole new meaning when he injured himself while trying to fight off ghosts with a baseball bat. Jonah Barnes, an avid fan of the Greenwell Grasshoppers, was hospitalized with multiple self-inflicted injuries after he was found by joggers in a roadside ditch in the outskirts of Greenwell. Mister Barnes is expected to make a full recovery, provided he can afford the associated costs. Following emergency surgery he recounted the tale of "the scariest night of [his] life".

"It all started right around midnight, when I was cleaning out the toilet," he said. "I heard a noise outside the front door, scraping sounds on metal, like if someone was trying to pick the lock open. But when I looked out the window there was no one there. Things got weirder when I heard scratching and clawing from the back door, like when you lock out the dog and it's trying to get in. Except I don't have a dog."

In response to what he perceived as the threat of a rabid stray dog trying to force its way into his home, Mister Barnes quickly armed himself with a baseball bat and took up a batter stance in front of his back door.

"So I waited for the dog to smash the door down," he said, "and prepared to hit a home run with its drooling head as it bursts into the kitchen. But the thing never came. It was just clawing at the door like it was mating season. So I decided to just take the fight to the damn mutt."

When Mister Barnes opened the door, he found no dog staring at him. Instead, he saw what in a polite language could be described as apparitions.

"It was a motherfucking ghost!" Mister Barnes phrased. "In fact there were three of them. Three motherfucking ghosts! Right there in my back yard, all hovering and transparent and scary as fuck! And they just stood there... well, hovered there, and stared at me with their empty eyes doing nothing. At first I thought I was just seeing things, or maybe it was some weird optical illusion, so I took a step back and rubbed my eyes, but then they followed me into the house. I freaked out."

Following the initial shock of encountering the ghosts, Mister Barnes did what every self respecting fan of the Greenwell Grasshoppers would have done, and took a swing at the invaders of his home.

"I thought I had them," he said. "How could I not? The bat was signed by Ben Yeti Hodder, best damn batter in the history of the Grasshoppers. That's like a good luck charm, you know? It could exorcise the devil himself out of your daughter, right? A few pesky ghosts should be a piece of cake for it, I thought. And when I hit the first ghost and it vanished, I thought it really would work. But then the ghost just reappeared. So I thought, maybe I need to swing harder."

As Mister Barnes proceeded to double his efforts at "cleansing [his] home of evil spirits", he ended up destroying most of his kitchen furniture, as well as some of his utensils, including a microwave oven, a kettle, and a blender. He also damaged a designer knife rack, which resulted in his first injury.

"So the doctors tell me I must have, they said, must have, knocked one of the knives into the air in such a way that when it fell back down it cut off my index finger. But I tell you, that's not how it happened! It was the ghosts that did it. They attacked me with the knives! Why do you think I made a run for it?!"

After the loss of his right index finger Mister Barnes abandoned the house, grabbing a kitchen towel on his way out which he used to bandage up his hand while he was running from what he described as "kitchen samurai ghosts". He suffered the rest of his injuries between his house and the roadside ditch where he was found three miles away from his home.

"When the ghosts ran out of knives to throw at me, they chased after me," he explained. "They were all over me, trying to strangle me or suffocate me, or plain old scare me to death with their mere touch. You ever stuck your hand in the freezer? Yeah, that's like the hot summer sun compared to the touch of those blasted ghosts. So I did what I had to do."

Mister Barnes used his autographed baseball bat to try and "force the ghosts off [his] body", which resulted in his broken nose and cracked rib, his concussion, and the fracturing of his skull. Despite the heavy self-inflicted wounds, he was happy because, in his words, "[he] was winning the fight".

"I got rid of two of them by the time I ended up in that ditch," he said. "But the last one just wouldn't go away. I was sitting in the ditch, back against the dirt, and the son of a bitch was sitting on my crotch. On my crotch for fuck's sake! But, a man's gotta go what a man's gotta do."

The amputation of his crushed left testicle did not break the spirit of Mister Barnes at all. Rather, he feels proud that he managed to "fight off the spirits of the dead", and would use the phrase "you should see the other guy" when asked about his injuries.

The medical staff at the Greenwell General Hospital stated that they have not found any hallucinogenic substances in the system of Mister Barnes, but they will continue looking under the suspicion that the patient was the victim of an experimental, possibly homemade drug, which, as this incident proves, must be taken off the streets as fast as possible. Mister Barnes denied that he had been on any kind of drugs, but doctors insist that the patient may have suffered partial memory loss due to his concussion. Police have found no trace of illegal substances in his home, which has led doctors to suspect that "he may have just consumed his entire stash". No one on the hospital staff is taking the story of the ghosts seriously.

A patient sharing the room of Mister Barnes, Con City resident Travis Bennett being treated in Greenwell for a hand injury suffered in a bar fight, offered his own take on the ghost story.

"I feel with the man, I do," Travis Bennett said, "but I gotta say the truth: he's an idiot. Fighting off ghosts with a baseball bat? How stupid is that? He should have used a shotgun."