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Haunted House Real Estate

posted Feb 6, 2016, 8:32 AM by Viktor Zólyomi   [ updated Feb 6, 2016, 8:32 AM ]
The following article was penned by Jonathan Parker and was originally published in the Greenwell Inquirer.

A man is being treated at the Psychiatric Care of the Greenwell General Hospital following an incident in his home. Joseph Glenn purchased a house in the outskirts of Greenwell less than a month prior to the traumatic event, a house that is supposedly haunted.

"The previous owner told me the house was haunted by the ghosts of samurai warriors," Mister Glenn said during one of his calmer moments at the hospital. "The bloke was missing an index finger, said the ghosts cut it off with his own kitchen knife, and he didn't look like he was joking, either. I always wanted to live in a haunted house, so I bought it."

Following his investment into haunted house real estate, Mister Glenn spent several weeks trying to acquire video footage of the aforementioned ghosts in the kitchen. He set up camcorders in the kitchen and ran them all day to record the ghosts, but the spirits never came. After the first week he planted cameras all over the house, to no avail. Suspecting that he had been tricked, Mister Glenn considered taking legal action against the previous owner.

"I went back to that asshole and threatened to sue his ass," Mister Glenn said, "but the guy looked genuinely shocked that his kitchen samurai ghosts hadn't shown up. He convinced me to give it another week. The very next night, the... incident... happened."

According to what memories Mister Glenn retains of the incident, he had been attacked in the kitchen by a seven foot tall zombie. The trauma of this event led to his admission to the Psychiatric Care at Greenwell General.

"The thing broke down the back door," Mister Glenn recounted. "It had this really foul breath and this rubbery ugly face, and it was wearing a baseball pitcher's helmet. It had a samurai sword in one hand and a baseball bat with the word Yeti scrawled on it in his other hand. It was constantly growling braaaaaaaaaains as it was swinging its weapons, tearing my kitchen to pieces."

The police found the entirety of Mister Glenn's kitchen in a state of disarray, littered with broken dishes and destroyed kitchen appliances. No weapons or dead zombies were found at the scene to corroborate Mister Glenn's story.

"Of course I had all the cameras running," Mister Glenn said, "but those were among the first things that the zombie destroyed with the samurai sword. It never went further into the house than the kitchen, so none of the other cameras caught a glimpse of it. I tried to film it on my cell phone but it just knocked the phone out of my hand and smashed it with the baseball bat."

Police investigators stand baffled before the curious case of Mister Glenn's kitchen. A similar incident which we have reported on several months ago had already taken place in the same house. Doctors insist that the number one suspect for such experiences are hallucinogenic substances but none were found in either Mister Glenn's system or his house. He is expected to make a full recovery, albeit he may need to be prescribed sedatives for the rest of his life. As for the house, Mister Glenn seems to have had his fill of the supernatural and has decided to sell. He already has a firm idea where to find a buyer.

"I'm going to sell it to Reaper Travels so they can turn it into a tourist attraction," Mister Glenn said. "I'm sure they'll love the idea. The house is clearly haunted, whether by ghosts or zombies is hardly relevant."

Reaper Travels have yet to officially respond to Mister Glenn's offer, but their reputation suggests that they would never turn down a new opportunity to scare tourists out of their pants.