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Art Gallery Vandalism

posted Jun 12, 2015, 12:47 PM by Viktor Zólyomi   [ updated Jun 12, 2015, 12:47 PM ]
The following article was penned by Jonathan Parker and was originally published in the Con City Times. Views expressed within the quoted interviews are those of the quoted individuals alone.

Four teenagers have been hospitalized with severe signs of poisoning after breaking into the Con City Art Gallery and eating some of the exhibits. The culprits ingested several of the famous ice paintings of local artist Warren Baker. Troy Savage, Director of the Con City Art Gallery called the break-in a "baffling act of barbarism". Mister Baker's world renowned artwork, line paintings made with gold paint on solid blocks of ice and snow, are estimated to be worth over 200 million dollars.

The incident comes just a few days after Warren Baker revealed in an interview that Ambrosia 51, his own brand of golden paint he uses to create his famed ice paintings, relies on alcoholic beverages as one of its key ingredients.

"I use a good variety of drinks." Mister Baker stated in the interview. "I cannot reveal the exact formula, but let's just say that all the different shades I use in my art come from the use of different beverages of varying alcohol content."

Following the incident at the Art Gallery, police are conducting an investigation into the exact motive of the teenagers, who are currently comatose and unavailable for interrogation. A surgeon at the Con City General Hospital anonymously called for Warren Baker to reveal the precise formula of Ambrosia 51 for the sake of the teenagers at Intensive Care.

"We have no idea what sort of poison they have ingested." the surgeon stated. "All we know is that it's not the alcohol endangering the patients. There is something highly toxic in the paint which we have not been able to identify. Troy Savage is refusing to allow us to examine the remaining ice paintings and the police are yet to force him to comply. Mister Baker could save lives if he revealed to us exactly what was in Ambrosia 51."

Director Troy Savage responded in the name the Con City Art Gallery who spend considerable amounts of money on appropriate low temperature refrigerated display cases in which to house Warren Baker's ice paintings.

"The lost art is worth a thousand times more than the lives of petty teenage barbarians." he stated in a press release. "Mister Baker's paintings make use of extraordinary curves unheard of in line art. His choice of canvas is nothing short of revolutionary. If I were the doctors at Con City General, I'd let those bastards die. In fact, I might just donate some funds to the hospital if those barbarians were to perish."

Warren Baker himself responded in a live interview with Channel 11 on Uncensored Evening News.

"I will not compromise my artistic integrity for a bunch of thieves." Mister Baker said. "Those hooligans destroyed Tipsy Angel, which was the first ever ice painting I made. I'll have you know, that one took considerable effort to preserve, since I painted it in the middle of the night on New Year's Eve in my front lawn. I had to shovel the snow into a tray and place it in my freezer and keep it there until I could construct a suitable storage facility."

When asked whether he was worried about the appearance of counterfeit Ambrosia 51 on the black market with so much buzz surrounding the composition of his paint, Mister Baker responded with a shrug.

"Of course there's far more than mere alcohol in my paint." he said. "People are welcome to guess what it is and experiment with their own paint compositions, but even if they were to reproduce Ambrosia 51 and attempt to make their own ice paintings, none of them would ever compare to an authentic Warren Baker."

The Con City Art Gallery is implementing new security measures to ensure that none of Mister Baker's ice paintings would fall victim to vandalism in the future. In addition, Warren Baker offered simple advice to visitors at the Art Gallery.

"People should admire my art from a distance, like they would the works of lesser artists." he said. "My paintings are not ice cream."