Recovered One Word Poems

posted Jun 9, 2018, 3:26 PM by Viktor Zólyomi
The following article was penned by Jonathan Parker and was originally published in the Greenwell Inquirer.

Visitors to Greenwell Museum can soon expect the reopening of the One Word Poems exhibit, as Greenwell Police have finally located the poems that had been previously stolen from the museum. The poems, works of Greenwell's revolutionary poet C. Thomas Whitaker (born John Brooks), had been violently taken from the museum two years ago, when a man broke into the building with a bulldozer. Curator Lawrence Curtis is relieved that the One Word Poems have at last been recovered.

`I was afraid I'd have another heart attack if the police wouldn't find them,' the Curator says. `I'd like to thank Greenwell Police, especially the Detective who led the investigation, for finally finding the masterpieces of Whitaker (Brooks). I know Detective Rhodes and myself have never seen eye to eye, but I am truly grateful that she finally caught the thief.'

`Actually, I had nothing to do with it,' says Detective Eve Rhodes about the recovery of the poems. `One of our beat cops pulled over a car in the suburbs for a broken taillight, and the driver went ballistic on him for being stopped, so he had to bring the guy in. And then he found the manuscripts in the glove compartment, so the case was passed over to me. What can I say, I love it when criminals are too stupid for their own good, especially when they're famous actors.'

The arrested man, currently suspected of having been the person who had broken into the museum, is none other than veteran actor Russel Hunt, better known as Merlin from the Round Table movie franchise. Following his arrest, his home was searched where two items of note, a scarf and a pair of garden gloves were found, which are remarkably similar in appearance to the scarf and gloves worn by the thief in the security camera footage of the break-in. Russel Hunt has been advised against speaking to the media by his legal representative Nigel Finch, which fans of the One Word Poems equate to an admission of guilt.

`Of course he did it,' says Howard Pretentious, esteemed literary critic, poet, and Editor-in-Chief of the Con City Times. `It's common knowledge that his career is held afloat by the Round Table movies. Should Blunt Films decide to stop making those movies, he'd never make another movie again. And we've known for a while that Terrence Blunt wants to produce a movie out of the poems of Whitaker (Brooks), and wants to use the original manuscripts in the movie. Clearly, Russel Hunt feared that the museum might actually allow Blunt Films to use the manuscripts, and in turn the new movie franchise would put him out of a job. A shame, really. He used to be a terrific actor many years ago. He was excellent as Hamlet. It's a real travesty what became of him over the years.'

The producer of the Round Table movies, Terrence Blunt, refuses to comment the matter, albeit his production company Bunt Films has issued a press release stating that `Russel Hunt is responsible for his own actions outside a Blunt Films movie set.' While the press release did not clarify whether or not Mister Hunt's services would be retained, at the time of writing Russel Hunt remains under contract with Blunt Films and is set to reprise his role as Merlin in the upcoming Round Table 6. In contrast, Greenwell University has severed all ties with the actor, bringing an end to the long rumored launch of a self defense class which was meant to be run by the actor, in character as Merlin.

One person who has a very vocal opinion on the matter is film producer Rick Jackson, Terrence Hunt's biggest rival. `I don't know what they'll do with Russel,' he says, `but if you're hoping this scandal will spell the end of the abomination that is the Round Table movie franchise, well, we should be so lucky. No, there is no way Terrence Blunt would stop making those movies, even if Hunt were to be found guilty. Worst case scenario, he'll hire another actor to play Merlin, probably another washed up has-been, and then claim in the next movie that Merlin had to use magic to change his appearance. Or that Merlin had plastic surgery; oh yeah, I would not put that past Terrence Blunt.'

Russel Hunt remains in custody during the investigation and his bail has been set at an unprecedented amount of one billion dollars, by order of Judge Andrew Curtis. While Mister Hunt's attorney has expressed disappointment regarding the decision of Judge Curtis to set the bail so high, the Curator of Greenwell Museum believes this to be the right decision.

`No one can be allowed to ruin the reputation of the greatest poet in Greenwell's history, and I am quite glad that the justice system is in capable and unbiased hands,' Curator Lawrence Curtis, brother of Judge Curtis, states.

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