Joe's Gonna Kiss You

posted Apr 24, 2016, 4:32 AM by Viktor Zólyomi
The following article by Jonathan Parker was originally published in the Con City TV Guide.

Channel 11 aired the pilot episode of their new dating show last night. Hosted by Joseph Dodgson, better known as serial killer Flamer Joe, the new show is looking to set the world on fire.

"Joe's Gonna Kiss You is a brilliant program," said Marketing Director Jeremy Edwards at Channel 11. "No serial killer has ever been the host of any show, let alone one that aims to bring people together. The word revolutionary barely begins to describe it."

Ratings have certainly been through the roof as viewers flocked to witness how a man convicted for ninety-six murders, most of them committed with a flamethrower, can lead a romantic TV show.

"It actually works very well," said Anna Fulton, one of the show's contestants. "Joe is a charming man. I'm surprised no one thought of this before."

The format of the show follows the established formula. Three men and three women compete for each other's affections by answering questions about their interests, personalities, and love lives. Novelty is injected into the show by the provocative questions of the host.

"Joe asked me which of the women I would like to murder and with the help of which of the other two women," said Nathan Hurt, one of the male contestants of the show. "Which was a very interesting question, since I'm not a murderous psychopath or anything like that. But just to entertain the idea helped figure out just which of the women I would make a good couple with. It was great!"

Other controversial questions touched upon whether any of the contestants had dreams in which they murdered other people, or if any of them had ever set or wanted to set someone on fire. The latter question proved rather ineffective in working out the matchings of the contestants as they all gave the same answer, one which suggests that no one present was particularly fond of lawyers. Other questions such as which celebrity the contestants would like to see burned at the stake worked exceedingly well for determining match compatibilities.

By the end of the show the six contestants were successfully transformed into three couples who quickly agreed to go on a triple date at a barbecue. The host was happy with the result of his newfound work as matchmaker, and Marketing Director Jeremy Edwards was exceptionally pleased with the first episode.

"Ratings are skyrocketing," he said. "Channel 11 is already talking about extending the show to at least ten seasons and giving Joe a bonus for his outstanding work."

Not everyone is happy with the show, however. Some critics call it a derivative television program; Howard Pretentious, the Editor-in-Chief of the Con City Times found Joe's Gonna Kiss You underwhelming and boring, and stated that "with a host like Joe, this show should have broken a lot more taboos."

The Con City Police Department on the other hand wishes the show had not aired at all. After the broadcast, police were alerted to the parking lot of a 24 hour supermarket in West Side Con City where an unidentified assailant used a flamethrower to murder ten people.

"The resemblance of the events to Joe's work is unmistakable," Detective Bill Jacobs said about the murder. "He would, in fact, be our number one suspect, were it not for his ironclad alibi."

The "ironclad alibi" the Detective refers to is of course the incarceration of Flamer Joe. The serial killer has been behind bars for over a year, and performed his newfound duties as dating show host via satellite from his cell. Channel 11 expects he will continue to do so for many years to come.
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